Black and White on a Plane

I fly Southwest Airlines. Southwest doesn’t assign seats. You are allowed to board based on when you checked in. Those that check in online the day before, get to board first and choose the best seats. Those of us who forget to check in until we’re at the airport, are left to board last. We get what’s left over. Translation: middle seats if it’s a full flight. And lately they have been.

So I boarded the nearly full flight and my philosophy is that if I have to choose a middle seat, then pick one closest to the front. Advantages: I get off the plane sooner and I’m closer to the bathroom during the flight.

I spotted a seat about three rows back. A man was in the window seat with his head turned, looking out the window. A woman was in the aisle seat. I slid into my middle seat, tucked my tote bag under the seat in front of me and fumbled for the seat belt.

On my connecting flight, I was in the same situation. This time, there was an African American woman at the window seat and an African American man in the aisle seat. When I indicated that I would take the middle seat, the man stood up quickly and gave me the aisle seat. I told him that I was fine with the middle seat, but he said that he would rather sit next to his wife. Score! An aisle seat with a late-boarding ticket.

I noticed as we were taking off however, that the man leaned as far away from me as possible, leaning against his wife. He stared out the window but would not look over my way where the flight attendant was giving the safety instructions.

I’ve been reading several books lately: White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo. Caste and The Warmth of Other Suns by Isabel Wilkerson. I recommend these books to everyone. They made me both uncomfortable and yet so much more aware of this world that I move and breathe in and the impact we have on people of color. Instead of being defensive, I’m choosing to be more sensitive and respectful of other people. Their experiences in this world are not mine. Their reactions to even ordinary circumstances can induce anxieties and fears that I can’t even comprehend.

A white woman in New York called the police on a 9-year old boy accusing him of sexual assault because his backpack brushed against her.

Emmett Till was murdered because a white woman accused him of flirting with her. He was brutally beaten, tortured and murdered. Later she recanted the story.

These scenarios are endless.

And I could see some of that in this man. I’m sure the husband and wife were hoping that no one would want the middle seat between two black people. Or that it would be another black person. But it was me. A blonde-haired, blue-eyed stranger.

Very politely, I let him know that he was welcome to use the arm rest. I said that I had the middle seat on my last flight and everyone had taken the arm rests leaving me with none. I made small talk, asking if they were returning home or going on vacation. We exchanged brief pleasantries about their kids and grandkids then I settled in and read my book. I kept as far to the left in my seat as I could. I wanted this person, shrinking in his seat, to feel that there was a safe zone. He wouldn’t have to fear brushing up against my arm or any other part of my body. That I might make a false accusation. That I might be unhinged.

I wondered if I did the right thing. Should I have chosen another seat? It was a full flight so someone would have ended up sitting there. And really, even if they didn’t know it, I was very likely a better seatmate than someone else might have been.

Back to the first flight. The man next to the window was white. His body filled the whole seat and his legs leaned into my leg space. His arm overhung the armrest and the only way to avoid having it pressed against me was to lean over in my seat thus invading the space of the person on the other side of me. He had been looking out the window and when he finally looked my way, even though 99% of the people on the planes were wearing masks, he wasn’t.

There was no consideration for the person sitting next to him. No thoughts about how a woman feels being touched by a male stranger. No thoughts that if she had been sexually assaulted in the past, that this incognito aggression could trigger anxiety. Maybe he even hoped it did. He was in control and he liked it.

I chose to control this situation by not reacting. I did not look at him. I sat as far in the seat opposite him as I could. I kept my arms inside my seat area and let him have the armrest without a hint of inconvenience. I took the control back as best I could. I won a small battle against a very large war.

On my other flight with the husband and wife – the man never did use the armrest.